Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Found the puke drawer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
