i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
