if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
