Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
