never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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