Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
