The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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