never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
