i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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