3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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