Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
