We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
