I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Pooping to opera.
Randomize