i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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