Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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