I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
