I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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