Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
