Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We smell like vodka and hangover
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