I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
