Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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