tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize