I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
