Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
