We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
