can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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