i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
