kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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