If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
