If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I stole a fireplace last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
