I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
