Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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