when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just want to make out with him forever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
