Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
