i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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