Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
