My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
