She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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