Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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