He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
