youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
