Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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