Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
