You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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