Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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