i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize