He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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