And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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