When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
