WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
