five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
