Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
