She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
