Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
