Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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