At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I believe in your delicious
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
