I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
not ubering you a puppy
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize