my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
